We tend to think of mothers and babies when we think of birth trauma but what of Fathers? How do Fathers deal with the aftermath of traumatic birth? When birth goes well a Father can feel empowered by the experience, in which he may have been largely involved. This often serves to bring the couple closer together, bonded by this unique experience. However, the opposite can also be true and men can be left feeling isolated and alienated from their partner and baby through the experience of traumatic birth.

For the most part, men are encouraged to be actively involved in their partner’s care, if this is what the couple want. But men may also be asked to take a back seat by hospital personnel if there are complications. This can leave men feeling powerless to protect their partner and baby at a most vulnerable time. They become onlookers in a drama, where a few minutes previously they were active participants. Men can be left feeling they have let their partners down, when choices in labour have been reduced by the nature of the sequence of events. He may feel that as the spokesperson on behalf of his wife/partner, he has been unsuccessful in having her wishes heard and followed through. This feeling of inadequacy can be further complicated where problems with the baby necessitate a visit to the special care baby unit. Men can feel torn between staying with their partner on the delivery suite and going with the baby to ensure all is well, while all the time feeling neither choice is the right one.

Antenatal preparation in the form of parentcraft classes can help shape expectations and can help men to familiarise themselves with what they may encounter on the delivery suite. Men are often witness to instrumental deliveries i.e. by vacuum or forceps, or they may accompany their partners into the theatre for caesarean sections. Seeing a baby born from this angle is very different from the experience the woman has. While in no way minimising the experience of the woman, it is also important to recognise that men may suffer a different kind of trauma in these situations, witness trauma. A man’s role in the birthing process is one of support, comfort and protection. When he has difficulty fulfilling this role through circumstances beyond his control, he can feel frustrated and worthless and frankly ‘less of a man’… This can further lead to low self-esteem and relationship difficulties. It is not uncommon for couples who have experienced a traumatic birth to have sexual problems as a result. While there may be physical and emotional issues on the part of the woman, a man can feel emotionally scarred and reluctant to cause his partner any physical pain or upset.

The dynamic of the couple relationship changes following the birth of the baby. Fathers who have witnessed something traumatic during the birthing process may find that they have difficulty bonding with their baby. The baby can be a reminder of all that went wrong, at what was supposed to be a happy time. He may also be left trying to deal with a traumatised wife, who is struggling herself, while coping with sleepless nights and trying to work. Although society generally views the birth of a baby as a happy time, it can be an extremely stressful and testing time for a couple. There seems to be very little room for couples to say how awful it is for them in these early weeks and months. While women tend to talk about their problems to other women, men are often left with no outlet, fearful of being perceived as weak if they are upset at what the experience of the birth of their child and the impact it has had on them. In the absence of support from family or friends, counselling will offer a safe place to vent these feelings and to learn how to incorporate your experience into your life, allowing you to move on. We at Counselling Connections also run a group for men who have been upset in any way by the pregnancy and birth of their baby. Here, men get to meet with other men who have similar experiences, leaving them feeling less isolated. Knowing there are others who feel the same way as you do and sharing those experiences can be powerful in helping you to deal with this kind of trauma.