Here at Counselling Connections this week we have been talking about love. A good deal of our work could be described as being about love; frequently this is when love goes wrong. Love is elemental and universal; it is complex and difficult to put into words. If it eludes description it is not timid or withdrawn about letting us know when it is present. It can take over to the extent that when it strikes we hardly know how to think straight and feel butterflies in out stomach. And when it is lost or rebuffed it will protest loud and long. It can take a long time to get over love in the coming or the going.

The reasons why people come to us to talk about love have to do with the pain that losing love or not being able to find love can cause. One of the features of this is how little control we seem to have over love. It seems that our love will invest itself wholly and completely in another with no thought at all as to the consequences. In this regard the old saying is true; love is blind. Sometimes at an early stage of a new romantic attachment we will become aware that our love is running away with itself and try to apply the brakes. Paradoxically this process only seems to increase the attraction.

Trying to calm the raging passion of love may have resonance with our experiences with the objects of our early affections. Indeed understanding our relations with our mother and father during infancy may hold clues to how we learn to love. It seems that one aim of our instinct to love is to merge ourselves absolutely and completely with the other. This may be how we felt about our mothers when we were babies. This may also give us some clue as to why losing love might feel so devastating.

Our way of loving as an adult may be related to how we felt when we were coming to terms with periods of separation as a baby. An example of this kind of thing is in the fun that a baby takes out of the game of peek-a-boo. The joy that is experienced is in the reassurance that the other person goes or disappears and then reappears again and again with a happy, smiling face. The game loses nothing in its repetition. If the other person goes and does not return the loss can seem overwhelming and almost impossible to bear. Aspects of this prevail in our adult romantic lives.

It seems likely that in any adult relationship traces of our early experiences of love will reappear. Longings that may have been lying dormant within us for years can suddenly burst back into life and seek expression. It seems that the wish to merge with another and feel fully known and understood is part of this process. We can also feel frightened by the prospect of a loss of self in the act of trying to bring this situation about. This can present as deliberately scuppering relationships when they get to a certain point of closeness.

With a bit or work and self awareness and maybe even bitter experience we can gain some control over the wild stampede of our love. We can learn to see our partner as a separate person with their own needs and independence. We can tame the more fervent aspects of our own love and blend it into a mature, adult companionship. There is a love to be found that is quieter than the raging passion of our younger love. In this by a beautiful paradox we can come closer to experiencing that togetherness of our fervent dreams. It comes with a fuller and deeper understanding of both our own self and that of our partner being separate and together.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections this week it has all been about settling back into the routine after the holiday. The New Year begins in earnest for many when the kids go back to school. And the return to school has thrown up some interesting asides: from parents and children alike. One mum told of how she had been really looking forward to the kids going back to school. Cabin fever had begun to settle in over the last days of the holidays. The weather wasn’t good and the children were getting tetchy being cooped up in the house. That cry that drives the average parent mad ‘I’m bored’ was heard more and more. And the reply ‘why don’t you clean your room’ got the usual unwelcome response. School, it seems offered the chance of an antidote to these ills.

One of the issues that people faced was an increase in the ordinary feelings of dread experienced on a Sunday night in anticipation of the week ahead. It’s that feeling that many of us get early evening on Sundays which is a throwback to the days when a thought of homework, banished since Friday afternoon, pops into your head. Thoughts of homework not yet done resonate even into adulthood long after any homework is still required. We think this affects people in their work; especially where work hours mirror the school week. Indeed we may get into a habit of repeating these routines without thinking about them. That’s where we come in. It is part of our work the help people become aware of these things and to consider what the purpose of it all is.

These are questions that are naturally faced at this time of year. In fact, there is some evidence that questions around the purpose of daily routine rise in September too, mirroring the cycle of the school year. This week we have heard from mothers who found that, despite the length of the holiday, they really missed their kids when they went back to school. They describe feelings of loss. We have also heard from school children who dreaded the return of class and who really struggled with facing into it again. The same goes for many people who returned to work this week. Some reported minor illnesses and aches and pains as they tried to adjust back to the weekly routine.

This all raises questions about the purpose of our routine and maybe even whether we can find meaning in everyday tasks. It’s clear that not everybody feels this dread work or school. It is quite amazing how much activity a person can fit into their week when they are focused on a particular goal. Sometimes this goal is a medium term thing that can be achieved in a matter of months. Sometimes it is a project that can take years’ like for example a university degree. And maybe this kind of thinking can also add meaning to a sort of purpose in life which we carry with us through all kinds of ups and downs. This may be a goal that has to do with the way we live our life, one which might be difficult to define or describe clearly in words.

There is something to be found in daily existence that makes routine at least bearable and maybe even enjoyable. It could be that we will never again experience that Sunday evening dread if we look forward to our work or our learning schedule. The secret seems to be in having a reason that we are aware of in the moment for the task we are doing. Each little day to day assignment and interaction becomes a building block, a small part of something we are building. These things which we used to dread become meaningful because we understand that they form one part of picture which we are painting. When we stand back and look at it we can admire what we have achieved and where our effort has taken us. It seems that if we became aware of what we would like to achieve, if we are in tune with it and can make a plan to get there we can live a more purposeful and meaningful life.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections this week we have been talking about how bereavement and loss surface at this time of year. One of the things that struck us in talking about it is the wide variety of different kinds of loss and how these are experienced. There is the loss of a baby either postnatally, by miscarriage or stillbirth. Then there is death brought about by lifestyle factors such as alcoholism, obesity, smoking or other addiction. Death by suicide can also bring its own particular difficulties for those left behind and struggling to come to terms with it. All of these losses can be felt particularly poignantly at this time of year. We remember times past spent with our loved one and how we celebrated Christmas with them.

How we mourn a loss is a very personal thing. Often the course of mourning follows a similar path to that of our relationship with the person whom we have lost. If for example it was a fractious relationship characterised by falling out and making up we may experience the process of mourning as a very stop start affair. We may feel we are coming to terms with our loss only to find an old anger resurfacing again. And the appearance of feelings of anger as part of mourning can be a real source of difficulty. Anger is said to be a natural part of the mourning process but if for whatever reason we feel we can’t express it we may get a bit stuck and prolong the mourning period.

An example of anger becoming difficult to express can be in death which is caused by lifestyle choices. We may feel abandoned by a loved one who has died as a result of alcoholism for example. The question of the part the deceased played in their own death may be very difficult for us to face. It may be that we cannot freely admit to feeling angry at the choices they made. This can be the case with addictions or illnesses caused by complications of obesity like diabetes, heart attack or stroke. Our grief is added to if we rue that our loved one did not take better care of themselves.

Death by suicide can leave a similar legacy. It can leave a number of unanswered questions. Sometimes we hear of people deliberately falling out with loved ones before taking their own lives. The reasons for this are complicated but in part it may be because they feel it will make their loss easier to bear. This is not true of course and can serve to make the process of mourning all the more difficult. It also raises so many ‘what if’ questions that it is difficult to try to make some sort of sense of it all as part of coming to terms with it. Friends and work colleagues can also find it difficult to know what to say and this can lead to increased feelings of isolation or shame.

Christmas is a time for family and in particular for children. It feels wrong to us that a child dies before its parents. It feels like the natural order of things is turned on its head. Sometimes people say to us that they never fully get over the death of a child. Maybe that is the case with all loss. Perhaps we never do fully get over it but only come to terms with it to the extent that the strength of feeling eases and the loss gradually becomes more bearable. Loss of a baby is particularly strongly felt at this time as we imagine of they had lived what way they would be responding to and enjoying Christmas. This is probably a loss that a mother feels in her heart like no other. This is no less true for a loss by miscarriage where the mother may have bonded with her baby and where this loss might feel less real for others.

There is no prescribed path for dealing with bereavement. It is experienced as such a personal thing and it depends on the nature of our relationship with the one we have lost. It is good to talk about it; if we can. Sometimes this is with a friend or family member; or sometimes with a counsellor. There are times too when it is good to have some quiet time alone to reflect and remember and maybe even shed a few tears. Grieving is a natural process as we acknowledge and try to come to terms with the loss. Different family members will deal with a loss in different ways and to a different timescale. With patience and understanding we hope that the loss becomes less difficult to bear and that our loved one can be talked about and remembered as life following a death gradually returns to some sort of normal. We get along with living knowing we have been influenced in one way or another by the person who is now gone.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk. 15^th December 2011.

Christmas can be a very stressful affair. Here at Counselling Connections we try to keep our heads and not get lost in the hysteria. December the 8^th was the traditional shopping day for many, as people travelled to the capital in search of a festive atmosphere and presents for loved ones. And as we sat down to our weekly meeting someone made an off the cuff remark which got us all thinking. The talk was of all the work we put into preparing for Christmas at home. There are presents to buy, cards to send, food to be bought and prepared. There are Santa letters to be thought about, written and sent. There’s an amount of cleaning to be done before the decorations go up, not to mention the stress of where one will have Christmas dinner or who to invite. Then someone said ‘I won’t even get to sit down to the Christmas dinner; I feel like Christmas is devouring me’. That got us thinking.

Christmas can be an incredibly stressful time and yet we can get so caught up in it that we do little to prepare for it on an emotional level. All around us marketing messages spread the notion of family togetherness and reconciliation with images of families coming home for Christmas and having a meal around a beautifully laid out table. Wonderful idyllic scenes are conjured up with everyone smiling and snow falling gently outside. We can get caught up in this ideal and may try to aspire to this perfect Christmas. There is pressure to create the Christmas of our dreams and we will almost inevitably be disappointed when it doesn’t work out the way we expected it to. Tuning into how we feel in the run up to Christmas can help us manage our expectations around it. Accepting where we are at emotionally, provides a good basis for getting through.

Our experience of Christmases past will have an effect on us emotionally over this Christmas period. Memories, good and bad will influence how we feel at this time. In order to emotionally prepare, we have to be honest and real with ourselves. This means feeling whatever way we feel and being comfortable with that. It also means removing the pressure in so far as you can and refraining from placing too many demands on yourself. Making emotionally costly efforts to reconcile difficulties in relationships at this time is not always helpful as working through these issues is a process that can’t be rushed. Trying to have everything okay for Christmas day may mean differences don’t really get sorted but rather are swept under the carpet only to resurrect in the future. And families report huge stress in being cooped up together over the holiday period.

Those who have lost a loved one may feel their absence more over the Christmas season. This is particularly the case if the grief is still raw due to a recent bereavement or if it is the type that resurfaces because we have not yet come to terms with the loss. There isn’t a right or wrong way to feel, it is a personal experience. Nor is there a pre determined length of time that dealing with loss should take. Being aware of what is going on for you can help one to feel more grounded and therefore more able to deal with difficult situations.

Reflecting on these matters at this time helped us hereto put the stress of the preparations into perspective. It’s good to have friends and family around us when we can. And it is sad to think of those who we miss. How the Christmas season is spent has become prescriptive and while traditions can be comforting, it may be time to change the script so that it becomes a time for rest and repair, for resourcing oneself in order to face the challenges of the New Year. It is easier said than done and we hope that managing our mental health through the month will help us all through the holiday feeling renewed rather than exhausted.

Counselling Connections Dundalk. December 8^th 2011.

Today we take a look at perfectionism. In our modern, media-driven world there are everyday offers to seduce us. Advertising focuses on the achievement of the ‘perfect’ body, the perfect house, the perfect life. These are, of course, illusions. So what does it mean to be a perfectionist? Ironically, it is not about being perfect, as this is never really possible but rather it is about setting extremely high, maybe even unachievable standards for yourself and going to huge lengths to try to meet them. The perfectionist believes these standards are achievable and consequently judges his self-worth on whether he achieves his goals or not, which, almost inevitably he doesn’t.

Ironically, lots of people who are high achievers are perfectionistic and there are times when being this way facilitates excellence in many walks of life. However the perfectionist is never happy with his efforts and spends a lot of time mulling over the tiniest of mistakes, affecting his mood and sense of self-worth. It is rumoured that Michelangelo strove for perfection in painting the ceiling in the Sistine chapel. It is said that he was never quite happy with it even though it is recognised as a masterpiece. So we understand there are some benefits to being perfectionistic in terms of achievement and doing things well but there is a difference in the healthy pursuit of excellence and the unhealthy striving for perfection which comes at a cost. It becomes a very stressful way to live as one struggles to maintain the perfectionistic cycle and attain the ideal.

So what motivates the perfectionist to be the way he is and how does he come to place such demands on himself? Many theorists believe that it is as a result of having hypercritical parents, for whom whatever you achieved was never good enough. The child going forward into adulthood internalises the voice of the parent and he becomes his own worst critic. He develops all or nothing thinking, where the end goal is all that matters and the process of getting there is irrelevant in terms of measuring achievement. For this individual the fear of disapproval, criticism or making a mistake are fears to be avoided at all costs. These he equates with failure and worthlessness. Self-worth becomes dependent on the achievement of high standards.

In our work as therapists we also see that perfectionism can be a way of ‘balancing up’ negative feelings of guilt or shame associated with childhood abuse. The child who is abused can often be left feeling ‘bad’ or ashamed of the abuse and can develop perfectionistic behaviours in order to compensate. When self-esteem is low, perfectionistic behaviour can temporarily raise feelings of self-worth but this are only dashed again as the negative cycle continues. We can go to great lengths however to try to do a perfect job and gain the approval of another.

Sometimes the ideal we are trying to achieve is so high that we know it is unattainable. This can lead to a sort of giving up. Then we can feel guilty and re-double our efforts only to fail and give up again. Another paradoxical aspect of this is the fear of success. We are familiar with the notion of a fear of failure which can drive us on. But we find too that we can be overcome with a fear of what responsibility or leaderships might await us if we should succeed and we can scupper our efforts in fear of this. In any event, the origins of these things and their manifestations in our every day lives can be explored in therapy as we seek to relieve ourselves of the stress of trying to be perfect and become comfortable with being good enough.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk. 24^th Nov 2011.

Here at Counselling Connections this week there was one of those occasions when we got sidetracked and the most important issue arose outside of the intended setting. As we settled down to our weekly meeting one of our number was recounting details of a positive customer service experience. So impressed had she been with the service she received that she rang the young man’s boss to say thanks. So, rather than have our scheduled meeting we turned the agenda on its head and began with A.O.B . This was the whole issue of thanks and the positivity and feel good factor it can generate.

Of course, being thorough about this meant that we had to look at both the good and bad of the whole issue of thanks. So, what does it mean to say thank you to someone? There can be an inequality to this exchange. What is it that we are thanking them for? It may mean that the other person has done us some kind of good turn and that we owe them something. One kind of thanks can be repayment for some favour done; perhaps even a favour that we didn’t ask for.

So, some forms of thanks can involve an unequal relationship; one in which we thank another for something they have done and where maybe the inequality surrounds the notion of them retaining some hold over us. Such a person may deftly avoid allowing us the opportunity to do them a favour of some sort in return thus retaining whatever upper hand seems to pertain in such a relationship. Maybe this points to a deeper meaning where being able to graciously accept a gift is a gift in itself. Where to receive is the favour in return.

There is something then about being comfortable within the relationship that allows us to receive and to say thanks. This points to a comfort and a trust in the other but more so also some sort of comfort in our own self. This may be down to feeling worthy of whatever gift the other has bestowed on us. It may also be that because of our positive experience we don’t have to worry unduly about repayment or what price the other may try to extract. An open kind of thanks, free of obligation is one borne of the genuine nature of the giving.

Another aspect of thanks or gratitude is nothing more complicated than passing on good will to another. It has a measurable positive effect. This is the kind of experience that we can have in any day to day transaction let alone within our intimate relationships. One really good aspect of this kind of thanks is that it can be consciously begun. Imagine if you pause for a moment as you put your change into your purse or wallet; make eye contact with your sales assistant and say a smiling thank you to them. We would expect that event to have a positive ripple through that person’s day and through them to other people of good will whom they encounter.

There is no doubt that this kind of positive experience has a cumulative effect. One positive experience begets another and a little thanks or complement will enrich both giver and receiver. With all the bad news about; with all the negative discourse about money and weather it is very encouraging to think that we can create some good cheer just by spreading a little good will around. We can give good service and we can acknowledge it with thanks when we receive it. Let us then start the ball rolling by thanking you for reading this week’s post. If you liked it pass it on.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

13^th Oct 2011

This week at Counselling Connections, we take a look at what is commonly known as the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’. It can be described as the mixture of emotions felt by parents, most commonly the Mother (but increasingly Fathers too), when children begin to leave home or when they have all left. It takes its name from bird nesting habits where fledglings flee the nest when they are considered independent enough to go it alone.

Whether one is a working parent or not, there can be an overwhelming sense of loneliness and abandonment. One suddenly becomes redundant and it can feel strange to see friends and partners of our children become more significant than family of origin.  ‘Losing’ our children to marriage can feel like total abandonment, especially if we aren’t so keen on the son or daughter-in-law. It seems our investment will not yield a direct return but rather becomes an investment that another reaps the benefit of.  In this redundancy, there is a true sense of loss for the child who once was and for the important role of parent of the previous twenty years.

We must mourn these losses. It is a grieving process, one we have to feel the pain of and work through. There are tangible reminders….the quietness of the house, the empty bedrooms, no-one to cook or wash and iron for. All the chores we gave out about suddenly would give meaning back to our lives, back then when we were important enough to be needed. Of course, appropriately, our children don’t get it. They are off living their lives to the full, with the occasional ‘call me’ or text just to look for an extra twenty euro to see them through the weekend. Coming home at weekends becomes infrequent as they settle into college or work life. And we can be left feeling insignificant. Knowing, however, that this is the way it should be and that we have done our job well goes some way to taking the edge off our loneliness.

 Just as we find ourselves feeling the loss, trying to accommodate to it and readjusting to life without our kids, a new parenting role emerges where less hands on but more support is needed. In effect, our role as we knew it has changed and with this can come a sense of relief and freedom. Having more time on our hands can be positive, as long as we learn to adapt. Taking up a hobby which had been put on hold can give a new lease of life. Getting to know our partner again, spending time together can make an interesting change. Taking an interest in our adult children’s lives can reward us with a rich relationship going forward. And remembering that this is the cycle of life and we once did as our children are now doing without a second thought for our parents left behind….

Here at Counselling Connections this week we’ve been enjoying a bit of a sporting diversion from our normal discussions. We were very struck by events over the weekend at the Rugby World Cup. And it’s not so much the on-field happenings that have grabbed our attention. Rather, it’s the performance, for that is the right word, off the field of the Ireland supporters that has caused us to sit up and take notice. There was exuberance and joy in how the crowd performed during the last game which was all the more noteworthy because of their sheer numbers bearing in mind the distance they are from home. The amount of people supporting the team seemed phenomenal and you wondered where they all came from.

Players and team management were quick to acknowledge the support in interviews after the game and it got quite a bit of attention at home. The answer to the question ‘where did they all come from?’ seems to be Ireland. And the reason often offered for their sheer numbers so far away from home is that they had to leave here for economic reasons. For many that is no doubt the case. Others may be there on holiday or for no other reason than that favoured Irish pursuit ‘the craic’. Whatever the reason for their being there something about their demeanour and their enjoyment seems to be rippling back home.

In our line of work there is much talk about mirrors. We wonder what we see when we look at ourselves in a mirror. If a child looks at a parent and if they see a smile they will in all likelihood feel good about themselves. We can see a little of our own self in the reactions of loved ones to us. So what do we see when television pictures are beamed into our homes from the far corner of the world showing our own people behaving with such pride and exuberance. What do we see when we consider that the reason for their happiness is nothing more or less than their Irishness itself? It challenges us that they can behave in such a way when the consensus at home is that their country has let them down causing them to have to leave.

We’ve referred to the ‘performance’ of the crowd. It seems that there is a tacit understanding among followers of Ireland teams of whatever code that the way they behave is as important as the team. Sure, the team’s performance is important and it would all end if they lost and had to come home but the reactions of the crowd express something fundamental about us and they know it .The feeling is that something is building. The response of the team to their supporters and the growing bond between them is giving us at home reason to pause and think. Perhaps we had all fallen too much into a kind of national depression where the discourse has become relentlessly negative. Maybe we can learn from watching our compatriots at the Rugby World Cup and celebrate what we have and see if a little enthusiasm can lift the public spirit.

There seems to be something peculiarly Irish about this. There seems to be something about how our team’s supporters go about their business that attracts others. People see something attractive and joyful and they want to be a part of it. In this regard we would suggest that there is a prize available to us here which may actually be more valuable than winning the Word Cup itself. If the team and supporters can hang in there for another couple of weeks and allow this feeling grow our hope is that it will cause us all at home to look inside ourselves. We hope that besides the doom and gloom we will find reasons to feel good and even to celebrate. And we hope that this in turn will have a positive effect which will permeate from the sporting arena to the social and economic life of the country.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk,Ireland.

29th Sept 2011

Death by terminal illness is an everyday concern in our human existence. We can truly sympathise from afar, acknowledging how awful and how unfair it is for other families but it is only when it comes to our own door, so to speak, that we realise it’s impact. Think how shocked we can be to hear of the death of someone of the same age or younger. It brings the issue of death a whole lot closer to home. ‘It could be me’, as a fleeting thought is abruptly dismissed. We look for reasons why that person might have died that don’t apply to us… a heavy drinker, a heavy smoker, cancer in the family and we can feel the relief at our not fitting into this category. We are safe from death anxiety. This week at Counselling Connections, we take a look at how it is for people who are dealing with their own terminal diagnosis.

Yalom (Professor of Psychiatry & author) talks about facing our own death and the anxiety this evokes in us as human beings. We may think about how it would be if someone close to us dies, like a partner or spouse and we may wonder how we would survive without them. But our own sense of mortality is difficult to conceive. As children we are brought up to believe we are individual and special. This doesn’t fit in with the inevitability that we will all suffer the same fate eventually, that is, death. As children we are brought up to believe that we will be protected from things that frighten us by our parents….as adults we realise we cannot avoid our own death, a frightening concept.

Being told one has a diagnosis of terminal cancer is hard to grasp. In fact most people do not grasp it on first hearing. Even if it is heard, it is not truly believed and most people enter a phase of denial…. ‘Maybe they are wrong’, ‘Maybe they were looking at someone else’s results’, ‘Maybe I should get a second opinion’….all very understandable reactions in the face of death. It is not unusual to feel numb or to experience a whole range of emotions like anger, sadness, fear and anxiety.

A study by Hinton correlates satisfaction with life lived to the lessening of death anxiety. It is much easier generally for us as a society to accept the death of an older person, i.e. one we see as having ‘lived life’ ther than one in his prime,. This is not meant to undermine the pain felt by those who lose older relatives and friends with whom one may have had a close relationship. Often our perspective on our lived life shifts with a terminal diagnosis. We see things differently and can come to terms with regrets in life in a few short days or weeks. Ambivalent relationships are often repaired in the face of death.

As part of therapy, coming to terms with one’s own death requires that the person approach his dread and anxiety over and over again until he has become so familiar with it that it isn’t so scary anymore.  This is why it can be helpful for some people to talk about their death, which isn’t always easy to do. It is important that this is in line with the person’s wishes. Many individuals find it difficult to come to terms with the feelings of helplessness surrounding dying, the lack of control over one’s destiny. While this is a fate we must all face in one way or another, it can help to take control over some of the things in one’s life that are controllable even at this time. Choosing what type of treatment or Doctor, organising one’s funeral and making a will can give a person a sense of accomplishment and peace.  However, making these final decisions is difficult when one’s own death as a reality hasn’t quite sunk in.  There is no right or wrong approach to facing death and no two people do it in exactly the same way. The important thing is that we each do it in a way that feels right for us.

In the current economic climate, there are many people who are in difficulty with their mortgage repayments and run the risk of losing their homes. It can be a very stressful, difficult time as couples and individuals try to live their everyday lives with often huge financial burden weighing heavily on them.
Here at Counselling Connections, this got us thinking about how the idea or threat of losing one’s home affects us and the meaning we attribute to our houses. Home is somewhere we retreat to relax and unwind. Behind these four walls we can be ourselves, removing the mask we often show to the world. It is our necessary safe place. There is no doubt having such a place helps us to maintain a healthy lifestyle both physically and psychologically.
We can pour a lot of ourselves, our time and energy into the décor of our houses trying to make them look and feel right. Hence one’s home can become an extension of oneself and when these emotional ties are threatened through the possibility of this being taken away, it can feel like our very person is being attacked.
Historically, one’s home was a statement of social class and here in Ireland the residue of eviction by wealthy landowners has been passed down unconsciously to subsequent generations. To own a piece of land on which your house was built meant you were somehow in control, no one could remove you from your own house. This eliminated the awful pain inflicted on families who were thrown out of their homes at short notice and left with nothing. In recent times this threat has been resurrected with the banks issuing letters of warning of legal proceedings should one default on mortgage repayments.
A recent view from the window of a plane coming into Dublin to land helped to put some perspective on the housing situation. Monopoly houses streamlined to fit into confined areas seemed insignificant from the air, that is, from a different perspective. While in no way minimising the threat of losing one’s home, an alternative might be to look at it in a different way, in order to help us to cope. This can be true of all problems and stresses that we may feel trapped by. When we have exhausted all practical avenues, it can be of help to try to take a ‘bird’s eye view’. Sometimes it is hard for us to see things clearly when we are ‘in it’, so to speak. It can take an objective view to really help us see how we can change the way we feel by changing the way we view certain situations. Psychotherapy can help you to do this. In therapy as counsellors we firstly try to see and feel things from our client’s perspective in order to understand what their life is like and the problems they face. The next step is to help our clients form new perspectives in order to facilitate real change.
There’s no doubt we all get caught up in material things, some of which are necessary and basic. However we need to be careful that we don’t get so caught up that we lose our sense of what really matters. For example, in relation to the current housing situation it can help to remember that a particular house does not define you; rather it is you who defines it. It is your presence in the house, your energy poured into it that makes it what it is. If this is true then that energy can be reclaimed and reinvested somewhere else if you so wish. You can be in control from the inside amidst crisis on the outside by changing your perspective and focusing on what really matters.