Here at Counselling Connections this week we were listening to news bulletins of the latest problems with banks. People often ask us in a humorous kind of way whether the bad news in the economy is good for our business. It is not of course but the question points to an understanding that families and individuals are really struggling financially at the moment, and that this places additional stress on them. There are many losses involved in this and we discussed them between ourselves focussing in the end on the stress and challenge to the person who is going through financial difficulties. Banks had been regarded as august and respectable institutions. We grew up believing that we could put our trust in the bank. The local bank manager was a well regarded person in any local town and had a position of trust and authority. These things have changed and bad banking practice and the crash from an over-heated economy have conspired to leave many ordinary people struggling to pay bills.

One of the aspects of this that we highlighted in our discussion was how being up to date with our bills is something that can become part of how we define ourselves. When we look in the mirror and ask questions like ‘what am I?’ or ‘who am I?’ we can begin to think of ourselves in terms of the various roles that make up our day to day life. We may be a mother or father. We might be a parent. We may live with a friend, a partner or a flatmate. Or we might still live with our parents. In whatever capacity we live we have financial demands on us. How we respond to these demands can become a big part of how we define ourselves. Being able to meet the basic bills with which we are faced becomes an important part of the place we hold in our own household and in our wider social circle. In these challenging economic times lots of people have found that their discretionary spend is a lot less than previous and money is tighter than ever. Many who are in work are finding perhaps for the first time ever that the basic housing and utility expenses are almost beyond reach. And many who had never faced financial difficulties find themselves out of work and really struggling financially.

When money starts to get tight in a home all sorts of trimming of expense has to take place. Earners have to make sacrifices and let go of things which they had previously enjoyed. If this situation persists over time, as weeks become months and months become years with no sign of improvement it can cause real problems. We are faced with existential kinds of questions about what our work and our effort is for, and who it is for. There is a real danger of a disconnect opening up between ordinary individuals and the state itself. Our impression is that the difficulties faced by many ordinary people are not recognised, acknowledged or understood by policy makers and government.  This is not good for the mental health of the nation. It also threatens to create a new generation of young people for whom civic involvement and a sense of belonging are lost in a society which doesn’t care. Young people who queued overnight to buy houses and are now faced with negative equity.

These are wider societal concerns which are perhaps the backdrop to the financial struggles that families face. More and more are having to face the difficult reality that there isn’t enough money to go around. There is advice available to help people deal with banks, mortgage lenders, utilities companies and others to whom money is owed. A general rule of thumb is to work out reduced payments on a pro rata basis and to agree these with the lender. It is important to engage with them and to discuss your financial situation openly. The goal here is to try to manage the debt as well as possible until things improve and in the process to manage your own levels of stress. It can be humiliating to have to face these things and there is no doubt that suicide has been considered by many who did not feel that they could get on top of their financial situation.  Feelings of dread about what the postman brings or what phone calls might come in from debt collectors can be alleviated by facing these things and making revised agreements with lenders. To do this may involve having to change our own view of our self.

We spoke earlier about how paying our way can be an important part of how we define ourselves. We may have to learn to loosen up on this personal characteristic and adjust it to a point where we have to satisfy ourselves with the knowledge that things are bad financially but that we are doing everything we can about it. That seems to be the key to surviving financial difficulties. Cold hard financial facts; Euros and cents and lenders trying to enforce credit agreements can appear like a relentless and unforgiving force. We may have to come to terms with the fact that we can only do so much and lenders may have to come to accept that our best is going have to be good enough for the moment. We have to cope too with feelings of injustice when we read of the appalling behaviour which contributed to this economic crisis. In the first instance the solution is to survive on a personal level and get though as best we can. In the longer term there will be a good deal of rebuilding required for individuals, for families and for the wider community and civic society. We hope that we can all begin to feel part of that process and that ordinary hard work and personal responsibilities are nurtured and become prized once more.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections this morning much of the discussion has surrounded the football tournament which is taking place in Poland at the moment. Something notable happened there last night which has ignited debate here at home in the media and on social media. The context is a football match where the Ireland team came up against the European and World Champions Spain. Somewhat predictably and despite earlier hope and optimism the Spanish team proved too strong and won the match well. With seven minutes left to play Spain scored a fourth goal and with it any faint hope of a miracle comeback were extinguished. And then the Ireland supporters began to sing.

It is this singing which generated much discussion last night and this morning. Many have been genuinely moved by the off the field performance of the supporters. Some of the debate has been fuelled by the comments of football pundits, many former professional football players who felt that the result was the more important thing. Some were a bit cross about the emphasis on the performance of the fans. We are a group of therapists and have no expertise or knowledge of football formations or tactics but we do understand a little about people and we feel that some commentators may have missed the significance of what was happening before their eyes. It was a people telling themselves stories about themselves. It is about a people defining themselves in a public forum and saying to the world how they would like to be regarded.

For the last seven minutes of the match and for some minutes after the final whistle the Ireland supporters sang the ballad ‘The Fields of Athenry’. This is a song of two young lovers, parents who are parted because the father stole food from the local landlord to feed their starving children. His punishment is deportation to Australia and the couple dolefully reflect on brighter times when their love was blossoming. This song has become something of an anthem; its throaty chorus lends itself well to renditions in football stadia. It has become a staple not only of the Ireland football team but of rugby teams as well as club teams in England and Scotland. It has been heard over and again so many times that it risks losing its meaning. But there seemed to be something special about the circumstances and the way it was sung last night.

It is the context of the current social, political and economic environment that brings a special resonance to the performance of the Ireland supporters last night.  Like a child looking to a parent to give it something to be happy about many Irish people are looking to this football team to give some cause for optimism or celebration. The team clearly came up short in that task last night to the extent that the supporters took it upon themselves to create that hope and feeling of well being that people back home are desperately seeking. A wider context is the memory of what previous football tournaments, notably in 1988 and 1990 allowed us to say about ourselves. In the days before the Peace Process on this island symbolism of the flag of the Republic underwent an evolution. It became associated with celebration and most importantly with non violent behaviour. In the world of international soccer which has had difficulties with different hooligan elements the Ireland fans became associated with nothing other than bonhomie and good times. The tacit understanding which every supporter was aware of was to behave in a way that would only draw positive comment from observers.

The context of these times is that of national shame in the light of the loss of economic sovereignty with the financial bailout that our country has had to avail of. The budgetary austerity which we are told is what is required to pay for this bailout is causing a lot of pain and uncertainty and no little loss of confidence in the future. Many, many people are faced with difficulties meeting mortgage repayments on homes which they feel stuck with because they have fallen into negative equity. Many decent, working people have seen much of their aspirations and the fruits of their hard work depleted because of a financial downturn which has dented the value of their homes, savings and pensions. Indeed some who have travelled to Poland have probably done so in the knowledge that these financial challenges await them when they return home. So when a group of people stand to sing a ballad about past times they are telling a story about themselves. They are telling a story to foreign observers and to Irish people watching at home and around the world. They are writing another few lines in the evolving story of what it means to be from Ireland.

Nobody is deported to Botany Bay in this day and age for stealing food to feed hungry children. But many young people have left our shores to find work in Australia, Canada, America, Europe and further afield. Our economy is in a bad way. Our football team has tried their best but is clearly not up to the standard of the opposition. And we rise and we join together and we sing and in doing so we create something bigger than the result of a football match. We give a nod to the relentless forces of austerity and the unshakable logic of the markets. We pause to say out loud that we are hurting. We are hurting but we are in it together. We are hurting like we have hurt in times past. Much of the story of Ireland is about hunger and poverty and hurt. We will not fall into masochism or self pity. Nor will we simply ignore the problems and throw a party. An opportunity for a great national coming together is created with these football tournaments. We may use this one to find something positive in ourselves which we can identify with and which we can harness and use to transform our situation from despair, through hope and beyond to better times.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections this week we got to talking in an informal way about the different worlds that we inhabit as we go about our daily business. We had just come back from a walk up the street to call into the bank. We found it very interesting to observe the differing roles of the people we met along the way. We met a woman coming out of an insurance office. She was holding several sheets of paper which we gathered were related to either a car or home insurance transaction. She might have just called in to make a premium payment. Maybe she was filing some paperwork relating to a claim. And we wondered what story might be involved in that. At the bank there were lots of customers waiting either for the cash desks or for customer service. The customers played their roles and got their business taken care of and the bank staff looked professional and dressed appropriately and went about their work with the relaxed formality that their role places on them.

When we got back to the office we spoke about the different roles that people play and how even ordinary day to day business can seem to follow a script with participants like characters acting parts in a play. It struck us how different many of these roles are from the roles which people describe to us in our work. The contrast between the commercial and occupational activity of the main street and the personal dramas of people’s ordinary lives seems stark. People who come to our building set aside some of the formality of their day to day roles. Here we have a space to explore roles that might be regarded as more fundamental. Instead of commercial or other systems people talk about love and life and loss. Among the roles talked about here are those of mother, father, son, daughter, lover or friend. The struggle is to set aside the outer world and get in touch with more personal, internal scripts and to begin to consider rewriting them.

It is hard to tell when we meet someone in their outside role whether they are happy or not. At times someone might not even have a good awareness of whether they really are happy where they are at in life. It may not occur to someone that there is anything that can be done about it. At other times in life we can be quite aware that there are stresses and difficulties which affect us badly and make everyday life a struggle. It is very striking for us when we see someone trying to maintain their public persona while dealing with private pain which is hidden from view.

The task in therapy is to set aside the roles we play in our outside lives and get right down to the basics of what makes us a person. The work requires that we delve into the vulnerability that lies behind the self that we show to the outside world. It is our privilege here in Counselling Connections that we meet people at this level every day. It is by looking at our real self that we get to better understand the influences that make us what we are. It is through this journey that we come to appreciate the ways in which the outer world can weigh on us and cause us to struggle in our day to day life. Therapy can strengthen our ability to respond to the demands of the roles we are placed in by consolidating the inner self that is the bedrock of our public persona.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections this week everybody is a little put out. There are road works taking place outside our building and our end of the street is closed to traffic. Counsellors and clients alike have to make adjustments to their normal routines to work around the road closures. It has left a few people running late and coming in to us feeling a little stressed and harried. That’s okay though because stressed and harried is part of our stock in trade here; we can manage that. What the whole thing has highlighted is the difficulty we experience with any process of change.

The changes to the road system here are to facilitate cycle lanes. You would think that the outcome of these changes could be a positive addition to the locality. That is not how people are experiencing it. One of the aspects of this that is of interest to us is the apparent disconnect which leaves locals feeling that they have no part in the planning process. There is also the question as to the appropriateness or otherwise of spending taxpayers’ money on cycle lanes in these times when there are so many areas of the public budget which might be of higher priority. The sense of decisions being made far away that have no relevance to local needs feeds on this. This can leave people feeling that they are placed in a position like that of a child in relation to the planner who can take the position of parent. And this can bring up all sorts of frustrations form our early lives.

Feelings of disenfranchisement that are expressed in relation to a planning matter like this are also mirrored in how we experience change in other areas of our lives. Whether we are in relationship with a romantic partner, a business partner or employer we will from time to time be faced with changes that are not of our choosing. A first reaction to a proposed change is often resistance. Indeed, we can dig our heels in and became stuck in this part of the change process. One of the things that may lie behind this is a sense that we can never quite gain control over our own destiny. A new change proposal that leaves us with feelings of dread that we have felt over and again in our lives might be a sign, ironically, that we may need to make some changes ourselves. This is something that can be worked on.

The prospect of change can cause anxiety if we feel that we will not be able to respond to the additional challenges that the change may bring. This is a natural fear and one which is eased by some practical consideration of the new working arrangement. A partnership approach is hugely beneficial here in bringing people together and gaining agreement about a way forward. Real agreement involves taking on board the feelings of the other party. This is not often modelled well either in business or in matters of the heart. It takes a level of openness on the part of the person proposing the change and relies on their integrity and honesty about what they are hoping to achieve.

Each party in a process of change will have their own motives. For all that a period of discussion in advance of a process of change may succeed in alleviating some fears there will always remain some apprehension about the outcome. The disruption that change brings to our lives can really leave us feeling quite unsure. This can lead to a situation where somebody’s motivation can evolve into a resistance to any change. It can feel safer to avoid the upset at the disruption that change can bring. Sometimes it requires a little trust and a leap of faith that the outcome will be a positive one. And at other times change is painful and messy and calls for an amount of determination and endurance in making the transformation a better one.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections this week our discussion has been about counselling for cancer. There are many different aspects to this but this week we will confine what we say to coping with the diagnosis and aftermath of a cancer diagnosis. To be told by your doctor that you have cancer is initially very shocking. One of the first things you are faced with is your own preconceptions of what a cancer diagnosis may mean. It may have been regarded as the next best thing to a death sentence and you may have to work hard to overcome your own fears in this regard. Our experience is that modern cancer treatment is very effective and that a return to a full and active life can happen quite quickly. The shock to your system of this whole experience may linger and it is this aspect of counselling for cancer which we want to address this week.

Cancer awareness and in particular the importance of early intervention has increased with public information campaigns targeted at particular sets of risk factors and types of cancer. We still probably believe, however, that it will never happen to us. We can therefore become quite worried when we find a lump; a swelling of some sort or a pain which causes us to go to our G.P for assessment.  A temptation towards denial is a feature of serious illness especially cancer. It is important to try to overcome this and seek treatment as soon as possible. Denial is a psychological aspect of illness and it is useful to try to understand it.

A cancer diagnosis may be experienced initially as a serious threat to our self. This will set off a natural process in us as we are programmed by nature to respond automatically to threats. This different with illness is that the threat is internal and we have to face it in order to receive treatment and meet the threat. There is a paradox here whereby the natural defence of denial may actually increase the threat is we choose to ignore it and delay treatment. It is easy to understand this when we think of it abstractly but it is experienced in a very immediate and frightening way when it happens to us.

Like a lot of things in life a cancer diagnosis is something which we imagine as only happening to other people. In order to receive treatment we have to cope with this initial shock and set aside our fears and face into the treatment. These fears may be put to the back of our minds to be dealt with at a later stage and that is where counselling is especially helpful.

Sometimes there isn’t much time between diagnosis and the beginning of treatment and one of the things that you may have to deal with during this time is letting others know. There was a sort of denial present in the public discourse around cancer which we think is changing. It may have been referred to in abstract terms as ‘The Big C’ and spoken of in a kind of hushed or reverential tone reflecting the fear which a cancer diagnosis evoked in people.

Our experience with people diagnosed with cancer is that it is possible to speak about it openly and to say what kind of cancer it is and what the treatment is likely to be. We are sure that this healthy attitude to talking about cancer can also help a person come to terms with their own diagnosis.  The public awareness campaigns which we spoke of earlier have made this task easier. It can put an additional strain on the patient at the same time in that they are put in the position of having to deal the reactions of others and to become a sort of advocate for cancer treatment and care.

Information is a critical tool in gathering your strength for dealing with talking about your cancer diagnosis. There are many organisations and support groups available to offer assistance. Our experience is that oncology specialists and nursing teams are an excellent source of strength and support at this time passing on their in-depth knowledge and valuable experience. This knowledge and the openness which comes with it help to engender a sense of confidence which will help you fight your cancer.

There is so much more to be said about counselling in relation to cancer. We could only cover a couple of points this week but it is a subject we will return to again. For this week we just wanted to say a little about the shock and denial and also about the beginnings of a fighting spirit which is in no small way helped by openness in talking about a cancer diagnosis. Our experience has taught us that sometimes it is only after treatment and a return to normal life that a person can really engage at a deep level with what it means for them. The fears and feelings that are put aside in the initial shock can be dealt with in counselling at a later stage. It is important to understand that this is a natural process. Our minds are designed to save us from having to face for example the fear of our own death. But if these thoughts remain buried and are not dealt with they may leave us feeling fearful and not living life as full as we can. In these instances we find that counselling can be very beneficial when coming to terms with a cancer diagnosis.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections this week we have been talking about the Titanic. This week marks the centenary of the sinking of that great ship which was built just fifty miles up the road from us here. The tragedy of the loss of the Titanic still attracts our attention a full century after it happened. We wonder what it is about it that generates so much interest. There is something about that tragedy which seems to resonate within us at an unconscious level. Maybe we can identify with the human failings that are at the heart of it.

The story of the Titanic is grounded in the spirit of the age in which it was conceived. One of the most striking things about even the design of the ship was the way it reflected the class divide that held sway at the time. The ship reflected the confidence of the time; in modernity, in engineering and in mankind’s mastery over the Earth. We wonder who we identify with when we look back at this. Is it with the upper class that enjoyed opulence on a scale never seen before on an ocean liner? Or do we imagine ourselves in the bowels of the ship with the steerage passengers.

That class divide is also reflective of the attitude that sent thousands to their deaths in Flanders and The Somme only two years after the sinking if the Titanic. In what was supposed to be the War to End all Wars thousands died heroically but needlessly following a dream that failed to take account of the realities of what became an obsessive conflict. The unsinkable ship ended up at the bottom of the sea because of the human failings of a society that dared to dream. Those dreams failed to take account of worldly limitations and obstacles ably represented in this story by the bulk of an Atlantic iceberg. We all have dreamed. And we all have met with icebergs which have threatened to hole us below the waterline and leave us floundering.

The personal stories of those lost in the sinking of the Titanic mirror those of any time. People set off on that journey hoping to find work or to make a new life. The very name of the ship reflected the scale of the hope of that time. It was Titanic, meaning it was enormous in scale. Named for the Titans of ancient Greece who ruled in the time of the Golden Age it was representative of the Edwardian dream of a new Golden Age. Therein lays some clues about our ongoing fascination with the tragedy of the loss of the Titanic.

Each of us passes through phases of childhood which leave us on the cusp of launching into adult life. We may dream big; indeed our dream of what life holds for us may be titanic. We may put doubt to the side and steam ahead in the belief that nothing can stop us. And we may come across real world difficulties and obstacles that force us to stop in our tracks. We can find analogies for life in the story of the loss of the Titanic. Blame and reproach at the loss of a dream can leaves us becalmed in the waters of depression.

Moving on means finding some understanding of what it was we were trying to achieve and how or where it went wrong. It means understanding the scope of the dream and maybe even forgiving the dreamer for the scale of their wish. No great advancement is ever made without first being represented in a dream. Sometimes the dream is not fulfilled because of our own failings. Then perhaps the best course is to tweak the dream, take account of the obstacles and set sail again. Taking on board the mistakes of the past means being able to mourn the loss of unfulfilled dreams and then moving on with new ones.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk. 13^th April 2012.

Here at Counselling Connections this week we have been grappling with a question posed to us by a twelve year old. She wanted to know about the origin of the tradition of giving eggs at Easter time. Like a lot things it turns out there is more than one answer. In the first instance it seems that eggs were one of the foods that were not generally consumed during the Lenten fast. Pancake Tuesday became the day when all the eggs in the larder were eaten before Lent began. The stocks that piled up over the weeks of Lent were then consumed at Easter time. Eggs also represent renewal or rebirth which is a deeper, older meaning of the Easter holiday.

Indeed a look at the dictionary reveals that the origin of the word Easter lies in the old Germanic goddess of fertility and spring. Her name is linked with East and the sunrise and her feast was celebrated around the spring equinox. It is said that early Christians borrowed her name for their celebrations of the resurrection at the same time of the year. So the Christian story of Jesus dying and being raised from the dead supplanted earlier traditions who celebrated a feast of new life at this time of the year.

Indeed the story of the Passion of Christ which we remember at this time is one which represents extremes of suffering. Suffering is something many people endure at different times in their lives. The anguish which He endured in the Garden of Gethsemane is something that many have identified with at times of illness, loss or personal crises. The idea of death and rebirth is one which recurs not only in the story of Jesus but also throughout mythology. It also makes an appearance in dreams. We may find a dreamer reporting that they imagined their own death but were a witness to it and emerge from it a different person.

These themes represent something which seems to be common in human psychology, especially as we pass through the phases of childhood. We can face the next stage ahead of us with great fear. It can seem like a trial which we are not sure we will be able to survive. We cling to the comfort of the familiar and we resist change. This can happen after we have reached adulthood if we become unhappy in our home, work or relationship. At these times we can suffer great anguish and fear at the prospect of what may lie ahead of us. We may be tempted to turn away from the suffering that might be involved if we try to bring about change. This can also result in pain for the ones we love.

We see this kind of anguish all the time in our work. We see people assess where they are at in life and begin to consider a different kind of future. Often this results in upset and suffering as we go through a process of transformation from an old self to a new one. Sometimes these changes result in a new career or in the breakup of a long standing relationship or marriage. These are the modern, therapeutic realities of the ancient phenomenon of death and rebirth. They mirror our ancient forbears marking of the change of the seasons; the coming of spring and the light of sunrise on new growth. It is a natural process with a momentum of its own and we hope that in our work we can continue to facilitate those who are ready to undertake their own journey.

Happy Easter from us all at Counselling Connections.

Here at Counselling Connections this week we have been trying to identify some of the influences that form part of any decision making process. The dilemma presents itself when someone comes to us saying that they cannot come to a decision about some problem that is facing them. At times this can cause such a build up of frustration that even a decision that is ordinarily quite straightforward becomes difficult. We can lose confidence in our ability to make good choices and this can make day to day living more of a challenge than it needs to be. There are many ways of looking at this issue and this week we want to address it by posing the question: ‘where is your moral compass?’

Straight away we are getting into the murky waters of what exactly is understood by moral. There are understandings of morality from psychology and from religion. What we want to consider is the influence that these forces exert on the individual and what weight we put on them in our decision making process. A conflict between aspects of our personal moral code may leave us in the indecisive position which we are trying to help clear up. In therapy this involves reflecting on the origins of our sense of right and wrong and how these were taught to us.

The first kind of moral influence we want to discuss is what we are calling a vertical moral influence. By this we mean simply that it appears to come from above. Our first authority figures are our parents. It may happen that a sense of what is good or bad is expressed slightly differently by either parent. In fact it might be possible to identify rules that are generally enforced by mother which differ from those of the father. Here we might find the first source of conflict as we try to bring together these separate influences. If each parent is giving a similar message and trying to create the same kind of parameter then there is less space for confusion.

If childhood rules are too strictly enforced; if there is no room for interpretation or manoeuvre we might find that this creates rigidity of thought throughout life. An individual may find this vertical kind of moral code very difficult to challenge in their adult life. A vertical moral code is informed by the rules of the society we live in; by the law of the land and by religion. Generally speaking these are widely held beliefs about a good or ethical way to conduct ourselves for the sake of the common good. But they may not take into account the experience of the individual.

There are other influences that we will call the horizontal moral code which can exert just as much pressure on the individual. These kinds of things we learn from peers and have to do with the cultural norms of whatever group we belong to. It is extremely difficult for a single person to stand alone in opposition to their group and take a stand against what is considered normal. Indeed to consider taking such a position is to face the possibility of losing the support and even membership of whatever group we happen to belong to at a given time. These are informed by a phase of life that we pass through as we navigate our teens and our early twenties. How we relate to a work or new family arrangement will be informed by how we responded to these horizontal conventions.

Both the kinds of things we have described might be described as external influences. Although they are intended to be for the common good they may create a pressure which the individual experiences as oppressive. Indeed it could be argued that some of these social mores do not necessarily pay as much attention to ethical considerations as they do to what is simply the way things have always been done. And these kinds of things are ever changing. Without losing sight of the individual’s place within a family, work or social group some of the answers to moral dilemmas might best be found by tuning in to an internal moral compass.

It is usually possible, after considering the ways in which our moral code was taught to us, to develop an improved sense of our own aspirations, separate from given norms. The hope is that this would facilitate the growth of our own way of being in the world. This does not mean that we only take our own needs into account. We always have to consider our relationships with others when making big decisions. In order to feel that we are living an authentic life and in order to feel assertive and sure of our decion making we may benefit from this examination of where our moral compass is located and how it got there. We are then freed up to make choices which help maintain a sense of balance between our real self and our external world.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections this week we have been discussing aspects of counselling for survivors of child sexual abuse. We are sometimes asked by people who are considering undertaking counselling to outline how it works in practice. To consider coming to counselling to talk about sexual abuse is a very difficult decision to make. Survivors often say to us that they put off the decision, sometimes even for years because the prospect of beginning to talk about it is so daunting. It is easy to find lots of reasons to avoid it. This week we want to take a look at some practical applications of counselling work for adult survivors of sexual abuse.

One of the first conditions of therapy for child sexual abuse is trust. It might seem like stating the obvious but you have to feel that you can really trust your therapist. We are very aware of this requirement and we feel strongly that it important not to rush things. If you have been sexually abused you will know what it feels like to have your wishes, your rights and your personal space disregarded. This happens in a psychological way in abuse in addition to the violations of your body. It is crucially important not to do anything in therapy that might cause you to feel re-traumatised. There are so many feelings associated with this that it is hard to know where to begin. So we say that the starting point is in establishing trust in the therapeutic relationship so that you do not feel obliged to disclose anything that you don’t feel ready to talk about.

We understand that revealing details of past abuse has to be a gradual process for a number of reasons. First among these reasons is learning to trust your therapist. Another reason is related to the ways in which trauma affects memory. It is not uncommon to have only snippets of memory of the things that happened. You may also have partial memories of events that you don’t feel sure about and can’t swear whether they happened or not. You will be able to learn to distinguish between these. Additionally, when you come to therapy and start to deal with some of these memories you may gradually begin to remember more detail. This can feel quite disconcerting to experience but it is perfectly normal. Our unconscious mind stores memories away in different ways in order to try to protect us from the trauma we experienced. Unlocking memory is a gradual process that can be dealt with in therapy, sometimes over a number of years.

The issues of trust and of memory raise the question of being believed. This is the third aspect of counselling for survivors of sexual abuse that we want to talk about this week. One thing above all others that prevents or delays people from coming forward to talk about their abuse is the fear that they won’t be believed. Child abusers often plant ideas in the minds of their victims about what might happen if they ever tell. These might be threats against you or your family. Or it might be that they have suggested to you that the abuse was somehow your fault or that you colluded in it. It takes an enormous leap of faith to tell about your abuse for the first time. You will be watching very carefully for any reaction or doubt on the part of your therapist. We understand the difficulty this creates especially in the light of what we have said about the effects of trauma on memory. We will listen to what you have to say with openness and without making any judgement of you.

There is a lot more that we could write about abuse and the legacy it can leave. It is a subject we will return to again in our journal. For this week we just wanted to discuss those three points. Firstly, building trust in your therapist and not rushing to disclose detail. Secondly, to understand how trauma affects memory and learning to trust your recall of what happened. And thirdly is the experience of being believed in a safe and non-judgemental setting. Then we can continue with the therapy and work towards coming to terms with child sexual abuse.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.                    

Here at Counselling Connections this week we have been talking about talking. Or to be more exact we have given some time to a discussion around communication between the sexes. It seems that at times men and women are speaking different languages. And maybe they are. It is often expressed in couple therapy as a feeling of not being listened to or understood by the other. It can be a frustrating experience and if you can’t find a way to improve communication a couple can find themselves drifting apart. One can switch off from the other and effectively end up leading a separate life. Working on ways of communicating will help to keep a relationship healthy.

One of the surprising things that can come up when a couple come to counselling is just how little they are in the habit of checking in with each other. It might seem obvious but it is a good first step to ask your partner how they feel about what you do in the relationship. When we work with couples one partner might begin by outlining all the things they do. In this view of the relationship various tasks are done for the other. A person can come to believe that they are putting a huge amount of work into the relationship but find that their energies are misdirected. It is important to check in with each other and develop an understanding as to what each of you wants from and values in the other. We can neglect emotional needs in favour of busying ourselves with running a house.

One point of discord that comes up in relation to communication is a difference in what men and women might be looking for when they sit down to talk. Again and again women tell us that they just want to be heard; that they just want to talk something through. A woman can become frustrated if her partner just looks for solutions. A man might be paying close attention to his partner and attentively listening for cues as to what the nub of the problem might be so that he can set about fixing it. He might feel pleased when he identifies what needs to be done. And he might reassure his partner that a solution is at hand. A woman might come away from this encounter feeling that she wasn’t heard at all. She just wanted to talk and to be heard. If each of them can learn to understand this process it ought to lead to fuller communication.

Sometimes we can find that conflict in a relationship feels intolerable. This can lead to avoidance and denial. If we go about avoiding an obvious source of disagreement we are not really communicating well at all. It is important to understand that there will be disagreement some of the time. This may mean that we have to learn to live with a little tension. It is a healthy thing in a relationship when we can continue to be close with our partner in spite of our differing on some issue that seems important at the time. We cannot write that without pointing out that a good deal of the time a couple cannot recall exactly what it was that started a big row. If you can’t remember what you started to argue about it might be a good idea just to cool down and have a think about it. This usually means that you are really arguing about something else and that maybe you need to take a deeper look at your relationship.

Communication between couples means continuing to work at the connection you have between you. It involves making sure to devote some time to each other on an ongoing basis. This can prove difficult when the demands of daily life are taken into account. It is a sad fact that some couples emerge from years of mutual child rearing to find that they have drifted apart and grown into separate people. To continue to grow together involves consciously working on communicating with each other. It is also important to bring some good humour to these things. A little kindness and understanding is a wonderful thing to give and receive. If you can find it in your heart and, among the pressures of daily life share it with the one you love you will be going a long way towards maintaining a healthy relationship.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk, 15^th March 2012.