Here at Counselling Connections this week we’ve been enjoying a bit of a sporting diversion from our normal discussions. We were very struck by events over the weekend at the Rugby World Cup. And it’s not so much the on-field happenings that have grabbed our attention. Rather, it’s the performance, for that is the right word, off the field of the Ireland supporters that has caused us to sit up and take notice. There was exuberance and joy in how the crowd performed during the last game which was all the more noteworthy because of their sheer numbers bearing in mind the distance they are from home. The amount of people supporting the team seemed phenomenal and you wondered where they all came from.

Players and team management were quick to acknowledge the support in interviews after the game and it got quite a bit of attention at home. The answer to the question ‘where did they all come from?’ seems to be Ireland. And the reason often offered for their sheer numbers so far away from home is that they had to leave here for economic reasons. For many that is no doubt the case. Others may be there on holiday or for no other reason than that favoured Irish pursuit ‘the craic’. Whatever the reason for their being there something about their demeanour and their enjoyment seems to be rippling back home.

In our line of work there is much talk about mirrors. We wonder what we see when we look at ourselves in a mirror. If a child looks at a parent and if they see a smile they will in all likelihood feel good about themselves. We can see a little of our own self in the reactions of loved ones to us. So what do we see when television pictures are beamed into our homes from the far corner of the world showing our own people behaving with such pride and exuberance. What do we see when we consider that the reason for their happiness is nothing more or less than their Irishness itself? It challenges us that they can behave in such a way when the consensus at home is that their country has let them down causing them to have to leave.

We’ve referred to the ‘performance’ of the crowd. It seems that there is a tacit understanding among followers of Ireland teams of whatever code that the way they behave is as important as the team. Sure, the team’s performance is important and it would all end if they lost and had to come home but the reactions of the crowd express something fundamental about us and they know it .The feeling is that something is building. The response of the team to their supporters and the growing bond between them is giving us at home reason to pause and think. Perhaps we had all fallen too much into a kind of national depression where the discourse has become relentlessly negative. Maybe we can learn from watching our compatriots at the Rugby World Cup and celebrate what we have and see if a little enthusiasm can lift the public spirit.

There seems to be something peculiarly Irish about this. There seems to be something about how our team’s supporters go about their business that attracts others. People see something attractive and joyful and they want to be a part of it. In this regard we would suggest that there is a prize available to us here which may actually be more valuable than winning the Word Cup itself. If the team and supporters can hang in there for another couple of weeks and allow this feeling grow our hope is that it will cause us all at home to look inside ourselves. We hope that besides the doom and gloom we will find reasons to feel good and even to celebrate. And we hope that this in turn will have a positive effect which will permeate from the sporting arena to the social and economic life of the country.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk,Ireland.

29th Sept 2011

Death by terminal illness is an everyday concern in our human existence. We can truly sympathise from afar, acknowledging how awful and how unfair it is for other families but it is only when it comes to our own door, so to speak, that we realise it’s impact. Think how shocked we can be to hear of the death of someone of the same age or younger. It brings the issue of death a whole lot closer to home. ‘It could be me’, as a fleeting thought is abruptly dismissed. We look for reasons why that person might have died that don’t apply to us… a heavy drinker, a heavy smoker, cancer in the family and we can feel the relief at our not fitting into this category. We are safe from death anxiety. This week at Counselling Connections, we take a look at how it is for people who are dealing with their own terminal diagnosis.

Yalom (Professor of Psychiatry & author) talks about facing our own death and the anxiety this evokes in us as human beings. We may think about how it would be if someone close to us dies, like a partner or spouse and we may wonder how we would survive without them. But our own sense of mortality is difficult to conceive. As children we are brought up to believe we are individual and special. This doesn’t fit in with the inevitability that we will all suffer the same fate eventually, that is, death. As children we are brought up to believe that we will be protected from things that frighten us by our parents….as adults we realise we cannot avoid our own death, a frightening concept.

Being told one has a diagnosis of terminal cancer is hard to grasp. In fact most people do not grasp it on first hearing. Even if it is heard, it is not truly believed and most people enter a phase of denial…. ‘Maybe they are wrong’, ‘Maybe they were looking at someone else’s results’, ‘Maybe I should get a second opinion’….all very understandable reactions in the face of death. It is not unusual to feel numb or to experience a whole range of emotions like anger, sadness, fear and anxiety.

A study by Hinton correlates satisfaction with life lived to the lessening of death anxiety. It is much easier generally for us as a society to accept the death of an older person, i.e. one we see as having ‘lived life’ ther than one in his prime,. This is not meant to undermine the pain felt by those who lose older relatives and friends with whom one may have had a close relationship. Often our perspective on our lived life shifts with a terminal diagnosis. We see things differently and can come to terms with regrets in life in a few short days or weeks. Ambivalent relationships are often repaired in the face of death.

As part of therapy, coming to terms with one’s own death requires that the person approach his dread and anxiety over and over again until he has become so familiar with it that it isn’t so scary anymore.  This is why it can be helpful for some people to talk about their death, which isn’t always easy to do. It is important that this is in line with the person’s wishes. Many individuals find it difficult to come to terms with the feelings of helplessness surrounding dying, the lack of control over one’s destiny. While this is a fate we must all face in one way or another, it can help to take control over some of the things in one’s life that are controllable even at this time. Choosing what type of treatment or Doctor, organising one’s funeral and making a will can give a person a sense of accomplishment and peace.  However, making these final decisions is difficult when one’s own death as a reality hasn’t quite sunk in.  There is no right or wrong approach to facing death and no two people do it in exactly the same way. The important thing is that we each do it in a way that feels right for us.

Here at Counselling Connections this week we’ve been getting philosophical. It began with a discussion about how to respond to a question we are often asked about ways in which events from infancy and childhood influence our adult personalities and our emotional lives. We would take it as a given that they do but sometimes the ways this might work are not so obvious and from time to time people ask us about it when considering whether and how psychotherapy or counselling might be of benefit to them. The question is quite a fundamental one and touches on the concept of what makes us who we are.
The philosopher Descartes famously wrote ‘I think, therefore I am’ when addressing fundamental questions of human existence. We propose a variation of his remark when we say ‘I am seen, therefore I am’ and we’ll try to explain that a little further in answer to the question as to how something that we experienced as a baby informs our adult life. We draw largely on the work of D.W.Winnicott in forming our opinion and in working out the effects of our early relationships with our mother and other carers.
Take, for example a baby who is lifted from their cot and held by a caring adult. If this baby looks up into the adult’s face and is met by a smile this will have a positive influence on how the baby feels. In a fundamental kind of way the baby feels good that they are met with smiles, eye contact and attention. In fact, the baby seeks this out as being an essential element in their very survival. The baby is completely dependent and relies on the adult world for feeding and for care. These feelings of being experienced in a positive way by caring adults are reinforced by being repeated over and over again. The baby will not tire of this.
This is not always the way it works though and sometimes the experience of the baby is not a positive one. There are many ways in which a different experience for the baby may reinforce things in a negative way. Firstly, the baby may be left to cry in their cot for some time before being picked up and held. These delays are experienced as being unbearably distressing for the baby. Secondly, the baby might be picked up all right but handled and held impatiently; their hunger or cries being regarded as a nuisance or imposition. Another possibility is that the adult feeds the baby all right but fails to maintain eye contact or engage with the baby in any way. All these things, when repeated over and over again will have a negative effect on the baby and their sense of security and trust in the world around them.
A key thing in this regard seems to be a level of consistency in the care that the baby receives. Generally speaking if the care can be regarded as ‘good enough’ things will work out satisfactorily. The important thing here is that the experiences that influence these things are repeated and if they are not good the baby will develop anxieties which will endure and resurface through life. These can be experienced in adulthood as a kind of anxiety; of not feeling safe; not being listened to or heard or of not being understood. They present in our relationships at home or in work and may result in feelings of isolation or even depression. It is hoped that the experience of being listened to and understood in a therapeutic setting can help to recover a sense of self. To be seen; to be listened to by another human being can set in motion a repair of something very fundamental inside us which addresses the very fact of our existence and experience as a human person.
Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

In the current economic climate, there are many people who are in difficulty with their mortgage repayments and run the risk of losing their homes. It can be a very stressful, difficult time as couples and individuals try to live their everyday lives with often huge financial burden weighing heavily on them.
Here at Counselling Connections, this got us thinking about how the idea or threat of losing one’s home affects us and the meaning we attribute to our houses. Home is somewhere we retreat to relax and unwind. Behind these four walls we can be ourselves, removing the mask we often show to the world. It is our necessary safe place. There is no doubt having such a place helps us to maintain a healthy lifestyle both physically and psychologically.
We can pour a lot of ourselves, our time and energy into the décor of our houses trying to make them look and feel right. Hence one’s home can become an extension of oneself and when these emotional ties are threatened through the possibility of this being taken away, it can feel like our very person is being attacked.
Historically, one’s home was a statement of social class and here in Ireland the residue of eviction by wealthy landowners has been passed down unconsciously to subsequent generations. To own a piece of land on which your house was built meant you were somehow in control, no one could remove you from your own house. This eliminated the awful pain inflicted on families who were thrown out of their homes at short notice and left with nothing. In recent times this threat has been resurrected with the banks issuing letters of warning of legal proceedings should one default on mortgage repayments.
A recent view from the window of a plane coming into Dublin to land helped to put some perspective on the housing situation. Monopoly houses streamlined to fit into confined areas seemed insignificant from the air, that is, from a different perspective. While in no way minimising the threat of losing one’s home, an alternative might be to look at it in a different way, in order to help us to cope. This can be true of all problems and stresses that we may feel trapped by. When we have exhausted all practical avenues, it can be of help to try to take a ‘bird’s eye view’. Sometimes it is hard for us to see things clearly when we are ‘in it’, so to speak. It can take an objective view to really help us see how we can change the way we feel by changing the way we view certain situations. Psychotherapy can help you to do this. In therapy as counsellors we firstly try to see and feel things from our client’s perspective in order to understand what their life is like and the problems they face. The next step is to help our clients form new perspectives in order to facilitate real change.
There’s no doubt we all get caught up in material things, some of which are necessary and basic. However we need to be careful that we don’t get so caught up that we lose our sense of what really matters. For example, in relation to the current housing situation it can help to remember that a particular house does not define you; rather it is you who defines it. It is your presence in the house, your energy poured into it that makes it what it is. If this is true then that energy can be reclaimed and reinvested somewhere else if you so wish. You can be in control from the inside amidst crisis on the outside by changing your perspective and focusing on what really matters.

Here at Counselling Connections this week we have been reflecting on endings. When a therapy is coming to an end it almost inevitably brings up reminders of life’s previous losses and endings. If this is negotiated well and talked through as part of the ending it can be a wonderful experience. It can represent, at last, the ending of a cycle which we may have been repeating throughout life. It may also contain all of the pitfalls that have kept such a cycle going for many years. If you can sit with discomfort around the ending of a therapy and express it as its happening it honours the work that has been done; the achievements of therapy and your relationship with your therapist.
This relationship with the therapist is one of the key things in psychotherapy. If you feel you can form a relationship with your therapist where you can reveal yourself to them it will make the therapy more meaningful and worthwhile. From time to time a client will report feelings of dissatisfaction with their therapist. If the relationship is good, these can be explored and worked through together. Sometimes we realise that the strength of our anger or frustration with our therapist is disproportionate. At times like this we can reflect on our relations with significant others. We may discover that feelings have gone unexpressed leaving residues which enter into subsequent relationships.
This can work in the same way with positive feelings towards our therapist. Again, it is not unusual in therapy for a client to go through a phase when they have nothing but positive feelings towards their therapist. In the white heat of the therapeutic relationship the experience of being listened to and fully heard can be exhilarating and we can for a time lose ourselves in admiration for the therapist. This can then be accompanied by what can feel like a sudden unblocking of pent up life force which is expressed towards the therapist. It can be painful but again there is great learning in exploring these feelings and working through them with the therapist.
There can be different kinds of endings in therapy. Sometimes a client feels after a period of time that they have covered quite a lot of ground and although they might not be completely finished with therapy for good that they want to bring the current phase of it to an end. This client may return to the same therapist at a later time or sometimes travel between a few therapists until they feel they have worked through what they wanted to. At other times the therapy can feel like its going through a phase where the material being uncovered is quite uncomfortable. We may have to struggle with the temptation to flee at times like this. If we can stay and manage to talk about it the hope would be that the issues which have come up can be dealt with and some finality can be achieved.
And then of course there is the therapy which has run its course and comes to a natural end. Rather than fight with the temptation to flee as in the previous example this time we may have to battle with the temptation to stay. In a secure therapeutic relationship it is a time of mixed feelings. There can be sadness as the end approaches. It is not unusual at this time to feel a warm regard or fondness for the therapist. The nature of these feelings will be quite different from the positive feelings described above. These are feelings of accomplishment; of a journey travelled together and of mutual respect. It can feel hugely empowering to feel that you are ready to leave; are ready to let go and make your own way in the world strengthened with all that has been gained as part of a good therapeutic relationship.
Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections this week our discussions have been about the stigma associated with depression or mental illness generally. Even to put it in those terms is to point to the problem because to label something as ‘depression’ or ‘mental illness’ is the kind of thinking that leads to stigma. The history of mental health and ill health is replete with various conditions being described, categorised and labelled. Mental illness has not been well understood and those unlucky enough to be given a diagnosis were often removed completely from society. If these things were discussed at all it was in whispered tones.
This kind of denial pointed to the fear surrounding anything concerned with mental health. Some would say that this fear is really about our own personal concern that we might catch it ourselves. It is probably fair to say that we seek reassurance in this regard and that our wish is that any bout of emotional ill health can be cleared up simply and quickly. We like to believe that there are definitive solutions that can return a person to ‘normality’ without delay. Whatever the reason for this it can lead to an ‘us and them’ attitude towards those affected by what is called mental illness. Not talking about it and not wanting to know about it has probably led to a generally poor level of understanding about the whole area of mental health.
Clients often report feelings of discomfort or fear if they have to miss work because of depression or stress. It can be felt that employers take a dim view of absence for mental health reasons and that these conditions can be easily feigned. Return to work interviews after a period of illness can be especially difficult as can the prospect of facing work colleagues again. Often the temptation is to try to hide that real reason for the absence.
There can be apprehension that a trust in the employee will be broken and that they will never be regarded the same way again. The fear is that this can mean being discriminated against; maybe being passed over for promotion or regarded as unreliable. We have heard examples of employers showing an enlightened attitude to these matters. A supportive and understanding response will of course bring its own rewards and will make it easier for the person involved to return to a fuller participation in all aspects of their lives.
People also report difficulties in their personal lives following, for example, a prolonged period of depression. Friends may drop off and avoid contact because they run out of patience or because they find it difficult to know what to do. Sometimes this involves blame and recrimination as personal relationships become fraught and difficult to manage. These are understandable because it is difficult at times to know what the right thing is to do or to say. However, this loss of friendship at this time can be experienced as yet another deeply felt personal rejection.
Stigma is like a mark that we put on someone who is judged to be suffering from mental illness. It can be difficult to remove once it has become attached. However, stigma can be tackled through education and understanding. If ‘breakdown’ and different forms of ‘mental illness’ were better understood we could have a society which was more accepting of it. The counselling and psychotherapy community have a responsibility to help get this message across. Mental ill health can be temporary and with good care a full recovery is achievable. An open, accepting, and non-judgemental attitude will alleviate a great deal of suffering and facilitate better outcomes.

We have decided this week to take a look at the experience of miscarriage and how it affects women who go through it. Although fifteen per cent of all pregnancies end in spontaneous miscarriage, the emotional effect of this goes largely unrecognised socially. As a result, a woman can be left feeling lonely and isolated at this very distressing time. This is particularly true if a woman miscarries prior to having a visible bump, usually less than twelve weeks. It can be difficult to mourn a baby who was not yet visible to the outside world. Even if family and friends have been aware of your pregnancy, it is often the case that people avoid the subject so as not to upset you further. People often feel it is a private matter and probably best left alone. It can be even more difficult for women if they are faced with unhelpful comments like “Sure you can try again….” Inevitably, some people will get it very wrong in how they approach you.
How then can you as a woman who has suffered the most intimate loss, talk about your feelings of guilt, anger and sadness? It is very difficult to share the rawness of how you feel if there is little of no understanding of your loss. Other women who have shared a similar experience can be of support but every woman’s experience is unique to her. Because we all cope with grief in different ways, what works for one may not work for another. Every woman has to grieve in her own way for her baby and in her own time.
One of the biggest questions you may ask is if there was anything you did to make the miscarriage happen, if you were in any way to blame. Most miscarriages are unexplained and there is no evidence to support that lack of rest or physical activity causes miscarriage. If you feel you were in some way to blame and are carrying this guilt, it would be helpful to talk to a medical professional to clarify and reassure yourself that you didn’t do anything to cause it. It is not unusual for a woman who was unhappy about being pregnant, to feel enormous guilt at somehow ‘wishing for a miscarriage’.
As with other losses in life, women need support and understanding to get through this difficult time. While the physical healing can take place within weeks, emotional healing takes much longer. It can feel like this unbearable pain will never go away. In many relationships your partner will be grieving too and you can be a comfort for each other. However, problems can arise in relationships when your partner can’t relate to what you are feeling and seems able to get on with life. It has to be remembered that he will not have had the same awareness of being pregnant and also of the intrusion of physical exams like internals and possibly a D&C that you may have had to face. Doctors and nurses involved in your care may have found it difficult to engage with you at an emotional level and may stick with the facts, coming across as cold and detached. This can be very difficult and emotionally isolating.
The loss associated with miscarriage is individual and can be huge, regardless of the number of weeks. This is one of the areas were difficulty arises and other people’s opinions (including partners, family and medical professionals) can cause hurt. Believing that the lesser number of weeks pregnant should mean less upset can be hurtful. A woman losing her baby at 4 weeks pregnant can be equally as upset as a woman losing her baby at ten weeks. There are so many variables in the woman’s loss that is unique to her. It is a loss that has to be grieved. As you move through the different stages of grieving for your baby, there will come an acceptance of your experience. It is not that you forget and move on, rather that you accept and incorporate this loss into your life experience. Expect to be sad around the date that your baby was due, possibly for many years. It is quite normal to feel this way. Expect to feel very apprehensive about future pregnancy. There would be something wrong if you weren’t. Expect when you are seventy years old to still remember that baby you lost way back then.

Here at counselling connections this week we have been thinking about thinking. Or to be more precise we have been giving some consideration to a particular way of thinking. It could be called ‘black or white’ thinking and it is characterised by a wish on the part of the thinker to break an emotional question down to a simple ‘yes or no’ answer. This is especially the case when it comes to consideration of our relationship with a particular person in our life. It is often encountered when coming to terms with a relationship with a parent where that mother or father was absent, emotionally or physically; or when they were at times aggressive and at other times kind.
This phenomenon is also present in romantic relationships. It is not unusual for someone to be caught in confusion when trying to sort out their feelings in relation to the good and the bad in their loved one. One of the conflicts that this presents in therapy is the very straightforward one of wishing that things could be simple and that decisions about the future of a relationship were easy to make. We seem to want the other to be either good or bad and we can spend a lot of time looking over the evidence to support either of these polar opposites. More often than not there is evidence for each and a definitive answer eludes us.
It is not unusual for someone who is in therapy to suddenly declare in frustration ‘it is just not rational’ or ‘I know it’s not logical but . . . ‘. And of course both these statements are true. The conflicts we are dealing with are neither rational nor logical quite simply because they are emotional. And emotional conflict is often characterised by there being no single right answer. It is also true to say that these conflicts are not amenable to logic. This however doesn’t stop us wishing for the simple solution.
Logic would tempt us with the offer of a definitive answer whereas in reality we are dealing matters of the heart. We may need to learn to live with a level of uncertainty. This carries with it an almost inevitable level of frustration. When considering a relationship with another we have to try to learn to live with this frustration and come to terms with ‘not knowing.’ This can be difficult to bear; in particular at times of conflict in a relationship. Our thoughts can become completely taken up with the dyadic thinking of the hope of a single, simple ‘yes or no’ answer.
It is not unknown for someone in a conflicted relationship to find this sitting with ‘not knowing’ unbearable and to suddenly decide against their partner. They may then seek a complete break ignoring any pleas for discussion or attempts at reconciliation. They have at least relieved themselves of the tension of not being able to find the ‘right’ answer by making a decision and resolutely sticking to it. This is one way of resolving the question but it fails to address the underlying issue of our craving for the absolute single right, ‘black or white’ answer.
In therapy we often find that if we can learn to ‘sit with’ the tension of there not being a single right answer to a question about a loved one we can learn a great deal. It can facilitate a process of coming to terms with the good and the bad in a loved one. We can also then begin to look inside ourselves and consider what it is we are looking for in a loved one. Or what we might be looking for them to give to us. Sometimes here we uncover emotional vacuums that we have been trying to fill for most of our lives.
Coming to an acceptance of the complexity of human relationships through an examination of our own major relationships is part of the outcome of good therapy. Learning this by coming through emotional conflict with another can also facilitate a permanent change in a ‘black or white’ way of thinking and make future conflict easier to bear. By overcoming the emotional conflict with our loved one we kick start the process of overcoming an underlying tension in ourselves. We develop the ability to bear emotions that at one time felt unbearable.
Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections it has been a quiet week. We have been away for a long weekend and lots of clients are on holiday at this time. It has been interesting for us to travel abroad and spend a little time visiting another country with a different culture. Having a look at how other people do things gave us the chance to reflect on the way we do things at home. It is probably easier to observe behaviour in others than it is to try to take a step back and see these things in ourselves.
Even in our modern world with global brands and marketing it is possible to find delightful local variations in food, for example without travelling too far. And it can be a joy when we get home and back to the routines of life to try to recreate a holiday meal at home. Indeed much of our modern diet is influenced by the cuisine of the Mediterranean and further afield which we have enjoyed while holidaying abroad.
For us it says something about our adaptability that we enjoy taking on the influences we come across on our travels. As children we have had the experience of watching with great interest the ways of the adults in our world. We were susceptible to all kinds of influence and took on board much of the ways of being which we had observed. Through this process and throughout childhood we developed our own way of being. It would be usual to grow in ways and to learn views which would be considered normal within our own mini culture; our family.
There are of course complicating factors in this process. It is comfortable to take on family influences which sit well with us. We find it reassuring to be part of the group and if the influence of the group feels natural and nurturing we will embrace it. It is a sad fact of life that in many groups or families the dominant culture is not a healthy one. In these circumstances a child might do their best to resist what are considered the norms of the group. This may create a way of being in relation to groups that causes difficulties over and again in work and other group settings throughout life.
We have discovered an odd fact in relation to family and home which has been experienced by people who report discomfort at being away. This is the likelihood that home was not a safe, nurturing place for them. It seems that when someone has had a good, consistent and reassuring time at home growing up that they can internalise this sensation and carry it forward through life. Conversely, people who report difficulties when they are making their way in the world or when they travel often dream of a return to home even when their experience of home when they were growing up was not a happy one.
So, holiday time is a time of discovery and a time to enjoy influences from abroad. It is a time to step out of our day to day routine. We will often then take on board some of the influences which we have come across on our travels. When we return to our normal routine of school or work we can enjoy the good of any of the little changes we have made to our lifestyle under these influences. We can also enjoy the security and comfort which we make for ourselves in our own home. It is the consistency and comfort of home which gives us the capability to travel without fear. And so it goes for holidays as it does for life.
Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections we are, like many of you, following with interest the public debate on the subject of child sexual abuse. We try to refrain from public comment because our interest in the area is in quietly and privately working with survivors. Much of the public discourse in Ireland on this subject for over a decade now has surrounded abuse by church figures and subsequent cover ups. These issues have been the driving force for major social change. This change continues; we are still in the middle of the storm so to speak. And only with more time will we as a society come out the far side and then be able to look back at these times and fully understand what has been happening; how we used to be and how we are now.
From our experience of working with survivors there are a couple of aspects of abuse which we can perhaps help to shed light on; things which if they were better known would help the wider understanding of what happens in abuse and hopefully make it easier for people to come forward. The first of these is the very peculiar psychological hold which an abuser exercises over his/her victim.
We are familiar generally with the term ‘grooming’ and the idea that an abuser will spend some time trying to charm and earn the trust of a potential victim. The child can be manipulated into feeling quite special and having been specifically chosen by this adult. Repeat offenders will become accustomed to what traits or vulnerabilities to watch out for in their victim. It is often something which is difficult to come to terms with later in therapy as the full realisation of this process dawns. But at the time, initially at least the abuser’s real motivation has not yet been revealed and the child can feel quite special.
This is where it gets confusing. The psychological hold that the abuser relies on for secrecy is kept in place by fear. Sometimes this is enforced with either a threat of or a display of violence. The child is taught in no uncertain terms that they cannot even contemplate crossing this angry, frightening, powerful adult. We believe that what happens here is actually a sophisticated survival mechanism. Given the odds and their relative weakness in the face of the power of the adult, the child gives over their will completely. The abuser knows this, and plays on it.
A particularly difficult aspect of this psychological hold is that the child feels that in being powerless to act that they have in some way allowed the abuse to happen. This is not true. We can see that this is not true when we look at the size of the child compared to the power of the adult but this does not stop abusers from making children feel responsible for their own abuse. This is one of the major reasons why it is difficult for survivors to come forward to report abuse. The abuser knows this and plays on it. The child may feel like they will get into trouble if they tell and sadly time and again this fear has proven to be true. This needs to be changed.
If the psychological hold of the abuser is one thing that needs to be better understood so too does, what we here at counselling connections we call, ‘The Language of Abuse’. This is a difficult thing to describe. We feel that it is not well known or understood. If we take it that what we describe about the fear of coming forward is true then imagine what ways a child will, at different times try to let people know about what has been done to them. Some of their understandings of what happened will be couched in the language and understandings of their age; they won’t have the vocabulary or understanding of sexual matters to say it out straight.
Additionally, revelations will often only be made obliquely because the child or vulnerable adult even years later is still expecting that they themselves will be blamed or that they won’t be believed or understood. This means that a particular kind of language is used, often in a kind of code in referring to what was done. This is what we call The Language of Abuse and we feel that the subtleties of it need to be better understood in order to facilitate people in coming forward to tell their own story. It is important to believe a child, it is important just to let them talk and not to lead them. If someone is revealing details of sexual abuse to you they will be watching your reactions very, very closely. If they fear your reaction they will stop talking and often withdraw what they have already said.
This applies equally to adult survivors who reveal their stories years later and who will have a lifetime of experience of living with abuse. There is much more to be understood in this very complex field but these two points, the psychological hold of the abuser and the language of abuse are two particular aspects that, if they were widely well understood would we hope make it easier for people to come forward. If you have been abused and would like to seek counselling see our contact details http://www.counsellingconnections.ie/cc/contact-us/ or online booking http://www.counsellingconnections.ie/cc/book-online/ for details of how to make an appointment to come to see us. Or look for qualified counsellors in your own area.
Counselling Connections, Dundalk.