Here at Counselling Connections this week we have been discussing aspects of counselling for survivors of child sexual abuse. We are sometimes asked by people who are considering undertaking counselling to outline how it works in practice. To consider coming to counselling to talk about sexual abuse is a very difficult decision to make. Survivors often say to us that they put off the decision, sometimes even for years because the prospect of beginning to talk about it is so daunting. It is easy to find lots of reasons to avoid it. This week we want to take a look at some practical applications of counselling work for adult survivors of sexual abuse.

One of the first conditions of therapy for child sexual abuse is trust. It might seem like stating the obvious but you have to feel that you can really trust your therapist. We are very aware of this requirement and we feel strongly that it important not to rush things. If you have been sexually abused you will know what it feels like to have your wishes, your rights and your personal space disregarded. This happens in a psychological way in abuse in addition to the violations of your body. It is crucially important not to do anything in therapy that might cause you to feel re-traumatised. There are so many feelings associated with this that it is hard to know where to begin. So we say that the starting point is in establishing trust in the therapeutic relationship so that you do not feel obliged to disclose anything that you don’t feel ready to talk about.

We understand that revealing details of past abuse has to be a gradual process for a number of reasons. First among these reasons is learning to trust your therapist. Another reason is related to the ways in which trauma affects memory. It is not uncommon to have only snippets of memory of the things that happened. You may also have partial memories of events that you don’t feel sure about and can’t swear whether they happened or not. You will be able to learn to distinguish between these. Additionally, when you come to therapy and start to deal with some of these memories you may gradually begin to remember more detail. This can feel quite disconcerting to experience but it is perfectly normal. Our unconscious mind stores memories away in different ways in order to try to protect us from the trauma we experienced. Unlocking memory is a gradual process that can be dealt with in therapy, sometimes over a number of years.

The issues of trust and of memory raise the question of being believed. This is the third aspect of counselling for survivors of sexual abuse that we want to talk about this week. One thing above all others that prevents or delays people from coming forward to talk about their abuse is the fear that they won’t be believed. Child abusers often plant ideas in the minds of their victims about what might happen if they ever tell. These might be threats against you or your family. Or it might be that they have suggested to you that the abuse was somehow your fault or that you colluded in it. It takes an enormous leap of faith to tell about your abuse for the first time. You will be watching very carefully for any reaction or doubt on the part of your therapist. We understand the difficulty this creates especially in the light of what we have said about the effects of trauma on memory. We will listen to what you have to say with openness and without making any judgement of you.

There is a lot more that we could write about abuse and the legacy it can leave. It is a subject we will return to again in our journal. For this week we just wanted to discuss those three points. Firstly, building trust in your therapist and not rushing to disclose detail. Secondly, to understand how trauma affects memory and learning to trust your recall of what happened. And thirdly is the experience of being believed in a safe and non-judgemental setting. Then we can continue with the therapy and work towards coming to terms with child sexual abuse.

Counselling Connections, Dundalk.